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| foto dari pihak ketiga |
Dua tahun yang lalu aku berpisah dengan pria yang telah menjadi pasanganku selama hampir empat tahun, sebut saja Andi. Semenjak aku kuliah, kami harus menjalani hubungan jarak jauh. Awalnya, kami selalu memberi kabar satu sama lain, berbincang setiap malam sampai kami tertidur, dan skype pada akhir minggu.
Lalu hubungan kami mulai merenggang.
Aku semakin sibuk dengan kegiatan-kegiatanku yang membuat kami jarang berinteraksi. Ia seringkali marah padaku karena ia merasa aku tidak memberikannya cukup waktu dan perhatian. Aku seringkali marah padanya karena aku merasa ia tidak bisa mengerti kesibukanku. Pada akhirnya, kami menyerah dan berhenti berkomunikasi.
Aku selalu menganggap diriku sebagai wanita yang kuat, oleh karena itu tak peduli seberapa besar rasa sedih yang aku alami saat itu, aku berusaha sekuat tenaga untuk baik-baik saja. Aku mencoba mengalihkan perhatianku pada aktivitas perkuliahan yang menyita sebagian besar waktuku.
Dunia kami kala itu sangat berbeda sehingga tak banyak hal yang mengingatkanku pada dirinya. Setelah beberapa saat, aku mulai bisa terbiasa tanpanya.
Sekitar satu bulan yang lalu aku baru saja menamatkan pendidikan sarjanaku dan aku memutuskan untuk kembali ke tanah kelahiran sejenak sebelum melanjutkan pendidikanku. Walaupun aku tak sabar menghabiskan waktu bersama keluarga, aku juga sadar bahwa kepulangan ini akan membawaku pada masa laluku. Setiap sudut kota dan rumah akan dengan mudah membawa kembali kenanganku tentangnya dan aku tidak tahu apakah aku akan siap dengan semua itu.
Setelah lebih dari sepuluh jam perjalanan kereta api, aku akhirnya sampai di kampung halamanku. Aku berjalan pelan menyusuri stasiun yang tak begitu ramai. Ketika aku melihat sekeliling, aku seakan melihat pecahan kenangan yang tak berurutan. Kereta dan stasiun telah menjadi bagian dari hubungan kami dulu. Tangisan perpisahan dan senyum pertemuan. Kereta api membawa kami bertemu di tanah kelahiran dan kota perantauan. Apakah akhirnya aku akan bertemu dengannya kembali?
Pikirku. Aku sampai dirumah sekitar pukul sembilan malam. Setelah berbincang dengan ayah ibuku, aku mengistirahatkan tubuhku sampai keesokan harinya.
Hari itu adalah hari pertama aku di rumah. Aku bangun agak siang karena masih sangat lelah dengan perjalanan sehari sebelumnya.
Dirumah aku menggunakan waktuku untuk berdiskusi bersama kakek-nenekku. Mereka sudah cukup berumur dan aku tidak ingin melewatkan kesempatanku untuk mendengarkan cerita-cerita mereka. Seusai sholat maghrib, aku mulai bermain dengan adikku dan menemaninya belajar. Pada pukul delapan, kami sedang mempelajari tentang kupu-kupu. Ketika aku mencoba menjelaskan pada adikku tentang perubahan ulat menjadi kupu-kupu, aku bingung untuk menggunakan kata metamorfosa atau metamorfosis.
Setelah seharian tidak memegang ponsel, aku akhirnya mengambil ponselku untuk mencari tahu perbedaan keduanya di internet. Disaat aku membuka ponselku, terdapat beberapa pesan dan panggilan tidak terjawab.
Aku membuka pesan pertama yang telah aku terima pukul 18.51 dan berisi sebuah pertanyaan yang tak akan pernah aku lupakan, “Niken, Andi meninggal?”
Aku ingat jelas apa yang aku rasakan detik itu. Aku diam. Tanganku gemetar. Dadaku berdegup kuat dan dalam hati aku berteriak “Enggak, Enggak. Enggak. Ini Bercanda. Bohong. Bohong. Bohong” Aku belum menjawab pesan tersebut dan membaca satu pesan dari temanku yang lain yang hanya bertuliskan “Niken?”. Aku merasa aku sedang mengalami sebuah mimpi buruk dan aku sangat ingin terbangun.
Setelah aku membuka pesan-pesan yang lain dan pesan dari sepupunya, semuanya semakin jelas bahwa aku sedang tidak bermimpi dan berita itu adalah sebuah kenyataan yang harus aku terima.
Setelah aku putus dengannya, aku belum pernah menjalin hubungan serius dengan pria lain. Ia adalah lelaki terakhir yang aku perkenalkan kepada kedua orangtuaku.
Terkadang Ibuku bertanya mengapa aku tidak menjalin hubungan lagi setelah Andi, Ibu mengira aku masih memiliki perasaan padanya. Sejauh yang aku tau, ia juga belum menjalin hubungan serius dengan wanita lain setelah mengakhiri hubungan kami. Sebelumnya, aku sangat yakin bahwa aku sudah tidak mencintainya dan begitu pula sebaliknya. Namun malam itu, aku mulai meragukan diriku sendiri. Aku merasakan hantaman yang sangat hebat di dadaku sehingga aku berpikir apakah selama ini aku belum benar-benar melupakannya? Atau ini hanya respon normal akan kematian seseorang yang pernah ada dalam hidupku?
Walaupun terasa sangat sakit, aku tidak menangis malam itu. Aku tidak pula menangis keesokan hari ketika aku telah siap untuk berangkat ke rumah Andi. Aku seakan masih belum percaya akan kematiannya. Dia sehat. Dia tidak sakit. Dia suka berolahraga. Dia tidak memiliki riwayat penyakit berbahaya. Jika aku mendapat kabar tentangnya, aku yakin aku akan menerima kabar tentang pernikahannya. Mungkin aku akan sedih menerima sebuah undangan pernikahan, tapi setidaknya aku tahu dia akan bahagia.
Setelah memarkir kendaraan tak jauh dari rumah Andi, aku mulai berjalan menuju rumahnya.
Entah sudah berapa kali aku ke rumah itu dan bertemu kedua orangtuanya selama kita masih bersama, entah sudah berapa lama aku tak pernah mengunjungi rumah itu dan bertemu kedua orangtuanya setelah kami mengakhiri hubungan kami. Aku merasa tidak siap untuk mendekati kerumunan orang yang telah duduk di sekitar rumahnya. Beberapa meter sebelum aku memasuki rumah Andi, aku melihat teman-teman kami semasa SMA. Tiba-tiba kenanganku dengannya seakan kembali dan tak terasa pipiku telah basah.
Aku berhenti sejenak karena aku tidak sanggup untuk memasuki rumahnya. Setelah beberapa saat, aku memberanikan diriku untuk masuk dan bertemu dengan keluarga Andi. Aku melihat sebuah keranda hijau di ruang tamu namun aku biarkan ia hanya terlihat diujung mataku. Aku tidak mau melihat kearah keranda itu.
Aku tidak mau. Aku menolak untuk percaya bahwa Andi berada di dalam keranda tersebut.
Aku memilih untuk duduk di luar rumah Andi dan bergabung bersama teman-teman yang lain. Beberapa dari mereka menghampiriku dan mengucapkan rasa belasungkawa mereka. Sebagian dari mereka menceritakan tentang kenangan mereka bersama Andi selama ini dan menanyakan bagaimana hubunganku dengannya.
Hal itu membuatku mengerti bahwa banyak orang yang menganggap kami masih berpacaran. Kemudian aku menyadari sesuatu yang tidak pernah terpikirkan olehku tentang perpisahan kami.
Aku tidak pernah memikirkan seberapa berat perpisahan itu untuknya. Untuk Andi yang masih berada di kota yang sama saat pertama kali aku bertemu dengannya. Untuk dia yang harus bertemu orang-orang yang sama saat kita menjalin hubungan. Aku kira dengan berakhirnya hubungan kami, akan berakhir pula segala hal yang menghubungkan dia denganku.
Aku tidak menyadari bahwa selama ini ia masih harus menanggapi pertanyaan dan tanggapan orang tentang hubungan kami. Bahwa setelah kami berpisah, ia masih harus menjawab pertanyaan tentang aku, tentang kabarku.
“Maafkan aku. Aku tidak tahu berapa lama waktu yang kamu perlukan untuk menyembuhkan lukamu dan aku tidak pernah bertanya padamu. Maafkan aku yang membiarkanmu sendiri menjawab pertanyaan tentang kisah yang kita jalani berdua. Maafkan aku telah berpikir bahwa jalan perpisahan itu mudah untukmu. Maafkan aku telah mengira bahwa semuanya telah baik-baik saja saat itu."
"Aku teringat tawamu saat mencoba menyudahi amarahku. Aku teringat genggaman tanganmu ketika kamu membantuku menyeberang jalan. Aku ingat hangat bahumu ketika aku bersandar dalam perjalanan di kereta api. Aku mengingat tetes air mata yang telah kita bagi bersama. Aku mengingat semuanya, sekarang. Aku mengingat betapa dulu aku sangat mencintaimu dan bersyukur akan kehadiranmu dalam hidupku. Maafkan aku yang tidak berjuang lebih keras untuk kita. Maafkan aku yang tidak mengerti pengorbananmu. Maafkan aku yang tak tahu besarnya cintamu. Maafkanlah aku yang kehilangan diriku di tengah perjalanan kita, Sayang.”
Sudah sebulan semenjak kepergian Andi tapi sesungguhnya aku belum bisa percaya akan apa yang terjadi padanya. Walaupun begitu, aku harap ia telah sempat menemukan wanita yang membahagiakannya dan sempat menggapai mimpi-mimpinya sebelum Tuhan menjemput ia dalam tidurnya malam itu.
Rest in Peace, Mo.
Selasa, 14 Februari 2017
*nama dan beberapa detail dalam cerita ini telah diubah untuk menjaga privasi banyak pihak
*penulis berharap untuk pembaca tidak mencari tahu identitas penulis yang sebenarnya demi terjaganya kenyamanan keluarga
